Yesterday, Vulture released a very well-written, and very damning, article about Neil Gaiman. I highly recommend you read it, though it has terribly disturbing information. If you aren’t aware, Neil Gaiman is an extremely popular fiction author; some of his works of note are Good Omens and the comic book Sandman, both of which have active series on Amazon and Netflix respectively. He’s known for his stories with darker worlds and tones, worlds where danger is very real and spares no one (many of his stories are written, or partially written, from the perspective of children having to confront a terrifying world). His stories are unique, empathetic, and well-written. He’s been considered a genre leader for years.
The article went into allegations that have come out in the last year of sexual assault and abuse. It started with a podcast that interviewed his accusers, and then other articles and podcasts followed. Of particular note was Gaiman’s silence when the allegations were first made, and then his responses of regret…not, one will note, of denial.
In the literary world, the fall of this leviathan has been particularly shocking because of the lack of allegations previously despite an active career since the eighties (though the allegations do reach back that far), and the fact that Gaiman has claimed to be a feminist, and is known for championing women.
Unfortunately, as any female can avow, it’s not just men who have “creep” tattooed on their foreheads who are dangerous. And it would appear Gaiman is just one of the millions of “wolves in sheep’s clothing” that prey on women in this world. I fully believe the accounts of the women, and find them absolutely horrific. He clearly uses his power and wealth to find women he can manipulate and hurt, and does so with apparent abandon.
I don’t want to get into the details here too much, but some high level overview includes:
Cheating on both of his wives, despite the second marriage even being open
Regularly finding extremely young fans at events and coercing them into sexual situations. This in itself doesn’t seem too bad on the surface, until you read about the type of sexual encounters that Neil seems to thrive on: Extremely sadistic sex without consent or safeguards, especially with those not used to a BDSM lifestyle. If you use sadism without constraints or consent, that is just abuse.
Abusing his positions of power to keep women in financial trouble in positions of weakness to be easily exploited (two of the women had agreements of employment with him, that he then ignored and abused, and willingly exploited their fears of him taking away their homes if they didn’t comply with painful sex that they said they did not want)
Fostering a self-deprecating and “safe” persona for women, which was a front to prey on them behind closed doors.
Committing abusive sexual acts to women IN FRONT OF HIS CHILD, who was awake and aware. Ugh.
And that’s just the surface. To be clear, there’s one discussion to be had about consenting adults in positions of different power and what they want (for example, an older and wealthier famous person being with a very young and broke not famous person). But that isn’t the discussion appropriate for this situation. Specifically at play here is the abuse, and the fact that Gaiman essentially copped to it all by saying he had “regrets about his conduct”. But not a denial.
I’ve been a fan of Neil Gaiman’s work since the mid-nineties. I first read the Sandman comics, then bumped into Neverwhere on my school’s library shelves. I read the story of a different London and loved it. The bits of history that were referenced, the odd and quirky characters, the darkness with bits of light: I was immediately enraptured. I then read Good Omens, the apocalyptic comedy collaboration with Terry Pratchett, and got completely absorbed by American Gods when it was released a few years later. There were always uncomfortable scenes, but that was part of what drew me in. Life has dark parts that we can’t avoid or flinch away from, and I liked that Gaiman’s writing acknowledged that. Sometimes the endings were happy, sometimes neutral, sometimes…dark. And that reflected life to me, with a bit more magic and mystery thrown in. I don’t buy the idea that some are touting now, that we should have seen this all coming because he had dark scenes in his books. Artists are capable of projecting darkness without acting on it, I always have and will believe that. Unfortunately, some of them DO. And, Gaiman is apparently one of them.
As a woman, this whole situation is so frustrating to me. I’m no stranger to people that I look up to letting me down. By your forties, that’s happened a lot to everyone. There have been so many falls from grace. But the fact that Gaiman had made it through my entire adulthood unscathed, had given me a sense of relative ease to his behavior (although I’ve been a part of this world too long to ever completely believe that any rich, powerful, famous man is incapable of terrible things). I’ve met him at a book signing in Chicago when I was in college. He was kind and warm to me, and flirted lightly about my unique name. I took my signed book and went home, feeling good about the whole thing.
Now, in this case I’m seeing most people believe the women, but I do still see some of that doubt that comes out every time a woman accuses a famous and successful man of horrible things. It amazes me that so many seem to think there is some huge advantage for a woman to accuse a man of sexual assault. The conviction rates are incredibly low: less than 4% in the United States. There’s only a 50% chance that there will even be an arrest. And according to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, somewhere between 2 and 10% of sexual assault claims are false. Here are more statistics from RAINN, and here from the National Sexual Violence Research Center. The public loves to side with the accused (I think I hear more about “Let’s wait to see if they get convicted, innocent until proven guilty” far more regarding sexual assault than I do for other crimes), despite the overwhelming odds that A: The guilty will be proven innocent statistically and B: The odds are overwhelming that the accuser is speaking the truth. It’s no wonder that most sexual assaults go unreported. The accuser will likely be doxxed, her name dragged through the mud, she will be labeled and disbelieved and, the added bonus now: Relentlessly bullied online for being a female who has accused a man of doing what terrible men have done throughout history.
Like all women, I have had my fair share of terrible, unwanted sexual and sexist encounters. There was the government boss who had a one on one meeting with me to discuss “the future direction of my project”. The project was classified so he asked me to close the door. When I closed and turned around, he was standing right there, and tried to corner me and kiss me. I was able to dodge him and leave the room. YES, that really happened. This was a charismatic man who was liked and didn’t seem sexist. He was married. I didn’t report it, because historically at the agency I worked at, reports of harassment were statistically overwhelmingly likely to end in the accuser being fired, the accused having no repercussions, and the accused’s name would be drug through the mud. I had bills to pay and daycare to pay for, so I just made sure to never be in a room alone with him again.
There was the team lead who intentionally wanted me to spend days doing high-powered radio frequency testing when I was pregnant. This would involve being a few feet away from the sorts of radar and radio devices used on aircraft carriers for hours every day. I said no, it would be too dangerous and could hurt my baby. He got angry and shouted in my face about it. This is the same man who later tried multiple times to intimidate and corner me in rooms alone when he didn’t like that I stood up for myself. I went to HR (never do that, kids), and they sided with him. I ended up leaving the entire project, which I loved.
Once, when walking in Chicago in the evening in winter, a random nicely dressed man started talking to me while we walked down the street near one another. He was commenting on nice restaurants in the area, and since I lived the next block over I gave him some advice. I enjoy chatting with people, and was content to just chat while we were on the same path. While waiting for a light to cross the street, he told me, “You know in this light, you remind me of my daughter.” I smiled and said thank you.
And then he grabbed my shoulders and tried to open mouthed kiss me. I shoved him away and called him a pervert, and went home and cried.
A man tried to drag me behind construction barriers when I was walking to the library when I was 19. He just grabbed me without a word from nowhere. I fought and got away.
A man who owned a comic book and gaming shop I went to as a teenager asked me if I “Was into married men” at 18. He was in his mid-forties. I’d felt safe after playing games with friends in his shop for months, and was there by myself. I laughed at him, and he said, “I’m serious.” I said, “Absolutely not, no thank you.” And left.
Honestly, these are the most PG stories I have of deplorable behavior. I have others, but I don’t want to share them online. I commend the women who are brave enough to do so. And every single one of these stories has a man who I’m sure has plenty of people who would say, “Oh he would never! He’s a good man. A family man/upstanding citizen/good dude/goes to church/nice guy!” And the moment those “good men” got to be alone with a woman that they thought they could treat any way they wanted, they did. Or they tried their best to.
The thing about predators is, they don’t show who they are to everyone. They don’t walk around town with a lear on their face, with a smirk and greasy hair. They don’t come across as sociopaths. They have a mask that they show to us. There are so many decent and good men out there, and the predators don’t go up to those guys and say, “Bro, if I could get that girl behind a dumpster I’d rape her, amirite?” Brock Turner, one of the more infamous rapists, who literally raped an unconscious woman behind a dumpster AND there were witnesses, got no jail sentence because the judge “didn’t want to ruin his life”. I’d argue that Brock Turner was the one who ruined his own life. But he appeared to be just a normal, preppy college student from a good family with a good future. They lurk among us, and know how to blend in and wait for the moment where they think they can get away with something. And they know the odds, and terrible to say, the world, are on their side a lot of the time.
We just elected a convicted sexual predator for President (again). As I write this, Pete Hegseth is being considered for SECDEF, despite convincing sexual assault allegations (and his own mother calling him a predator). At the moment, the public tide is turning in an anti-female wave on many levels. SCOTUS has stripped women of their body autonomy, and women have died from having miscarriages that they weren’t able to receive care for in places like Texas. Public perception and treatment of women is not at a great point. Mark Zuckerberg said he wanted “More masculine energy” at Meta last week, while Meta has a 2/3 male workforce. There’s a backlash currently in the public sphere against sexual equality. Part of that is because the more outrageous opinions get the attention, and our economy is in many ways attention-based these days, and social media makes us go down rabbit holes of same-thinking, which is not a good thing. Part of it is because the greedy rich techbros have realized that they need to toe the line and start speaking in bro-talk to get ahead in this next administration, which openly rewards kowtowing and crass speech (that’s a big part of it, just the greedy opportunism by the robber barons). But, a part of it is because even the good men are tired of being painted with the “All men are bad” brush, which I think is a fair criticism. It’s absolutely true that not all men are bad; most of them are good, I do agree with that. But part of being the “good”, is making sure to call out and acknowledge the bad. And for so much of history, the “bad” have been able to act with impunity. I think maybe there was a bit of an overcompensation in recent years, where some people got so caught up in being able to finally acknowledge that they had a hammer of righteousness for the first time…and they unfortunately started to see all men as nails. We need to be careful to always recognize and support allies, and I’m not sure that it was kept in sight as much as it could have been. So now we have further tribalized again. The pendulum has swung a bit back the other way.
One of the hardest things to do is reconcile the people we think we know, with the other faces that those people don’t show us. We all do this to some degree, it’s part of living in society. I certainly don’t show the same aspect of my personality when doing a briefing at work, as I do to my children, or to my friends when discussing Star Wars or another hot button topic. But we need to remember that those masks can cover far more differences than interpretations of decorum, or what language is appropriate for current company. It can be a mask that covers horrors. And it’s our job to remember that you never truly know all parts of someone. At the same time, it’s important to remember that not ALL masks are covering monsters. Some of them are just covering regular human foibles, and that’s okay too. We need to remember that it’s not men vs women, right vs left, traditional vs progressive: It’s good vs evil. And the evil ones are the ones who hide their actions from the rest of us, because they know what they’re doing. And in this case, the mask that I’ve been following for years is one of my favorite authors. And now I have to reconcile the monster that he was hiding with what I thought I knew.
I won’t be purchasing anything else that gives money to Gaiman while he’s alive. I don’t want to support a living monster’s estate. I do still plan to watch Sandman and Good Omens when they come out, because those have an entire ecosystem of jobs that I want to support. However, I am not planning on getting rid of my books that he wrote either. I believe that artwork transcends the creator, and I don’t believe that the things I took away from his stories stopped existing because he’s not the person I thought he was. But I’m not going to continue to fund his means of exploitation either, and I won’t be recommending his work in the future. And I do support the women who came out against him, and I appreciate all the other authors and men and artists who have come out in support of the victims.
The world is hard and getting harder, for most of us. I don’t think that’s going to let up any time soon. But in the mean time, what we can do is remind ourselves that we are all here together. And in a world of polarization and hateful speech, which seeks to isolate and anger us for clicks and engagement (everyone types more when they’re mad! Everyone loves being told it’s not their fault, it’s the other guy’s!), let’s try to remember that most of us are here to try the best we can. Sometimes we fail, sometimes we succeed. But we need to listen to each other, even if the messages are hard. We need to find common ground, listen to the truth, and not surround ourselves with people just like ourselves. Men aren’t the problem; women aren’t the problem. Humans who wake up and choose evil are the problem, and the rest of us have to take uncomfortable steps to get ahead of them again. Maybe that means listening to someone who is saying a truth that hurts about someone you held in esteem. Maybe that means acknowledging that something about the world is not a good way to do things, even if it benefits you personally. And maybe that means acknowledging that simple answers may be attractive, but may not actually solve a complex problem in a country of 330 million, or a world of 8 billion. We just need to choose to move forward together, and make sure the company we keep is the “good” ones, as much as possible.
